conflicted

conflicted. i dont know. what do i do here? i wish to escape, to be free and cured. i wish it never happened, actually. fuck my family. its absolute garbage. but at the same times its all ive known. what do i do here? ive gotten brain damage and severe mental illness because ive been treated like trash since i was born. adhd symptoms, decresed intelligence, heightened guard/awareness, emotional immaturity/regression(?), escaping reality(avoidant/anxious), have become more shallow as a form of safeguard, to minimize pain, etc. i went from a genius iq tested at infancy to above average by the time i was in middle school. now im in the average percentile or so range in my teens. because of the way i was when i was born, the effects are a lot more different in me. what the fuck is this life? am i the one at fault? was i actually born as a loser? they treated my brother a lot more leniently? why not me? why is it only me who suffers? why is it only me who always has to have things taken and ruined? WHY ME?????